a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I knew I had to get an abortion when his toddler sister came up to hug my leg and I kicked her off saying, "Get off, fucker."
My phone has seen less use in the last three days than Tom Brady's condoms.
I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.
i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..
Dave used his AAA card to get my car towed to my house so I could get drunk. Evil genius.
I get that he's ugly and I deserve better but I will still beat up the girls he hangs out with.
OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD
idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations
The toilet wouldn't flush at the club so I literally just shat in the garbage.
I have the overwhelming need to take care of him. Both with my vagina and like emotionally.
You shouldn't play strip poker when you're having a wet fart kind of day.
Listening to The Little Mermaid soundtrack should cure my drunkeness right?
Can we just agree for a moment that semen in your sinuses is the fucking worst?
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
Randomize
