I wish your couch was made out of beer. I would drink like half of it.
alex threw up in my bong. i'm going to call it a night.
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.
He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.
Well this lady at the bar told me I was a natural on the tambourine and that it was my God given talent. and then she gave me a tambourine.
I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed
Someone's stooooned
I can only use one eye at a time. And if I want to listen, I have to close both of them.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
Sorry about flashing you in front of your mom.
I was standing in my mom's kitchen in only my neon green thong, eating pizza over the garbage can, and sobbing while he was yelling at me.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
You know it's really hard to draft fantasy football players in a crowded bar when I have a raging hard on
Are you really trying to argue your case that you seduced my cat?
Randomize
