guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
She volunteers at a homeless shelter. You volunteered to drink 7 day expired milk for $3. No chance. Give up.
know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing
you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"
I just dumped out my gym water bottle and filled it with white wine. This is the end.
now that you've tased me I refuse to buy you flowers
Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."
I don't remember much of last night. But I woke up with very apologetic texts from him this morning so apparently I didn't get laid. Which is stupid.
I FEEL LIKE I CAN TAKE DOWN A FULLY GROWN MOUNTAIN LION WITH ONLY A POINTY STICK OH MY GOD
If you go to Tinseltown tonight. First bathroom on the left, second stall. Avoid. It's still coming to terms with what I did to it.
I couldn't do it. You can't break up after that many orgasms. It's physically impossible.
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
This may be the alcohol talking, but I'm pretty sure I know Spanish now
I'm so horny right now but I JUST put my fuckin lasagna in the oven
Randomize
