if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.
That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before
he probably also told you he thought u were pretty
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Then you started screaming that this was the first time you did e and that you had a 4.8 gpa, that was right before you almost suffocated between that one girl's tits.
This is a pre-sorry for hitting on and then sleeping with you're ex
I feel like I have heartburn in my nipples.
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
When we were in Vegas he tried to get an Elvis impersonator to act dead on a toilet so he could take photos. This is even worse
Randomize
