Pls stop me from telling anyone else my broken blood-vessel + splint are "climax-related" injuries.
where are you?
sonic
Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.
im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too
Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.
I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.
I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...
They were so big her bra clasped in the front. Didn't even know those existed.
I need Mexican food. Like, I'd take it through a needle at this point. It's totally worth the track marks.
Dude did I even see you at the bar. Cause I was for sure there then the next second apparently I was crying next to my Christmas tree because nobody believed in me.
When i was tripping hard i was banging Jeff's roommate and her room turned into Hogwarts
Also when we were banging i thought my high school librarian was perched up on top of the stereo like a gargoyle but it ended up just being her cat
I'm just saying, if you haven't been dropped off at a Wawa at 5:30 in the morning by 3 cop cars, you're missing out
I told him you forbid me to sleep with him so he needs to accept that.
Is it disrespectful or patriotic to pole dance on an american flag pole?
i just sexted for my mom while she was driving, i have hit an all time low.
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
He gave me an ambien and I woke up with a raw chicken bone in my purse. I have no idea why but I hope I put it in his butt
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