i threw up in over 4 different places last night. it was like a world tour
threw up during christmas carols. the audience at the church seemed to immediately know i was a college student
It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night
This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.
I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.
I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying
I just saw a commercial for God of War and heard the nickname he gave my vagina.
Dude. Yeah. This is a game changer. I feel dirty and possibly pregnant and it hasn't happened yet.
See, the Lortab wasn't working enough, so I thought "hey, vodka can speed that up! That's how science works!" Which probably should've been my indication that the Lortab was in fact working
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Don't tell me you're on acid again
I'm currently watching porn and playing beer pong with wine in the lobby of a hotel with a squadron of hot airforce guys. You can never say your life is better than mine again
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize
