I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
he used his one phone call on me and it said "you have a collect call from- LETS GET IT- at the montgomery county jail".
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
And with me just getting pulled over and you maxing your card out on tennis balls I don't know if we can afford it
There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge
He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.
Standing in a circle of girls fistpumping to the word "hospital" while taking shots.... I don't see this ending well, but its fucking fun.
I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Nothing like having your house arrest ankle bracelet vibrate and take a moisture sample at the exact moment you're about to blow it in some chick...buzzkill
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
i got kicked out of the casino for drunken disorderly conduct because i kept stumbling into old people and one of them told on me. as the boucer was taking down my information so i could no re-enter i ripped my id out of his hands while yelling fuck you.
She was a cheerleader in college and President of her sorority and now she’s a sales rep for a pharmaceutical corporation. “High maintenance hot” doesn’t even begin to explain it
But dear lord is it worth it
Randomize
