I just woke up to crumpled tissues everywhere. Looks like it was another night filled with tears and semen.
Saw a pregnant woman get a lap dance last night. I love the south.
I wish we were homeless so drinking on the streets was acceptable.
Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...
Do you think it would be a good idea to mention in my admissions essay that I was the guy that streaked across the soccer field last year?
Don't blame the cocaine for your eating disorder.
Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.
Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.
And they were awkwardly all over each other in a Christian way.
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
I wouldn't even cut tickets or put ppl in jail I'd just hand out punches to the mouth and Liam Neeson throat chops
After that song played in the club all he kept drunkenly saying was "Birdman goes brrrrrr"
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
you got drunk, told him he looked like shaggy and said 'I wouldn't show you my mystery machine for all the scooby snacks in the world'
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
