I don't make mistakes...just understandable bad choices.
i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.
I really wish I didn't have to wear pants this is ridiculous
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes
Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers
he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
He stumbled out of the bathroom with his pants around his ankles yelling "tie my shooes!"
Come get your pancakes and take a nap in my boobs.
Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.
I am the worst person to have nipple rings I'm hanging ornaments off of then and sending everyone a tits the season to be jolly
Pretty sure my boss knows there's Jack smell coming out of my pores right now... He just gave me a look...
Did I tell you he put a lobster carcass on his dick?
But I put cranberries and apples in my wine so it's festive drinking not suicidal drinking
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