I just ate a drumstick out of the garbage. I need a life coach.
He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".
People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.
They knew I had a party because the refrigerator settings were different, but they don't notice that we installed a new toilet seat so it's okay.
That sad moment when you flush your Molly down the toilet at the airport & watch your vacation slowly end..
I DMed the cop that arrested me to come unlock my keys out if my car today
I mean, it's just pathetic when the standard is tinder and he can't live up to it.
for once I'd like a one night stand where I don't meet the guys mom or wife in the morning
If I stopped drinking I'd have to take up murdering.
I feel like your boyfriend deserves to know that you're a lesbian.
I’m drunk and naked and looking for my charger - title of my autobiography.
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