im at the bar and i misjudged a fart...go home or ride the night out?Never mind, the bouncer made the decision for me...be home soon
We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.
I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter
I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.
We just set the fire alarm off with a fog machine. What's my first instinct? Finish my drink. I think I handled that correctly.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.
we're meeting twins and drinking tequila. i love life
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
This tiny cat is tiny breathing with her tiny lungs and im having a tiny freak out. Like those lungs have to be super tiny.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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