Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I'm not even planning on drinking that much tonight.. but I'm writing "emergency contact number" and your number on my hand just in case
I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes
One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name
Welcome to drink and talk like a Russian afternoon.
Pirate drinking day will be planned for shortly
I approve this so hard.
It's 4/20 of course I'm going to smoke in the portapotty and be ripped outta my mind at the lung cancer walk.
Look,the guy had sex w/a Canadian prison guard on the deck of a cruise ship,he could blow any second.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Do you think telling guys I'm majoring in magic is a good pickup line?
first he passed out on the toilet...then hugged it and screamed no no no as i tried to pull him out
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