I feel like if im whacking off more now that i have a gf than i did when i was single, somethings wrong.
just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao
Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?
Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Checking out a dudes' nachos instead of the dude #foreveralone
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
WHAT IS ALL THIS WATER BOTTLE FLIPPING NONSENSE? WHAT IS LIT?
YOUTHS.
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
Is it just me or did we have a heart to heart talk while you were naked last night?
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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