he kept farting in my kitchen and blaming it on the dog. then we went to wendy's and he spent twenty minutes in the bathroom. im pretty sure he shit his pants.
you should have known when you found out he drove a mini cooper not to hang out with him.
just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her
My fight-or-flight response is really more fight-or-fuck
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.
So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.
She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.
I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
He just showed up with a bottle of wild turkey a half a can of coke and some marshmallows yelling "gobble gobble bitches" my roommates hate my cousin
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
We got a lap dance! I touched a boob!
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
So here I am, sexting at work.
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