bought some hannah montana deodorant. hope it doesnt make me smell untalented
Even if he doesn't call, at least I can say i fucked a mascot.
im trying to make cookies in the george foreman
Clearly I made an impression.
Or at least your vagina did.
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.
I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.
Come back. She's looking through naked pics of his exes on his phone and questioning him about them and I'm too drunk to walk away.
asked the cab driver where he learned Swahili last night.
Its hard to hear the music in here over his nasal whistle. And his breath smells like old milk. I think I need more vodka, and he better be buying. You owe me.
Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.
Definitely sounds like it's time for some eggs with a side of strap on
At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
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