Do vagina's smell?
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.
maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later
Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...
He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....
You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
He kicked in the door just as I climbed on top of him...and stood there. I felt like I was in a porn. It was invigorating.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
TSA literally pulled two bottles of whiskey out of my bag. Once he saw the leopard print socks and the mickey mouse tank, he put it back in my bag and said "Have a fun trip, man."
the cashier at the gas station pulled a twig out of my hair and told me I should probably wash it before work....it was kinda sweet.
He went in for a kiss so I shook his hand instead.
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