He is drunk texting me begging me not to tell my mom. Pretty sure he is about to offer me sexual favors for keeping my mouth shut. I love being the boss's daughter.
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.
The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.
Oh God. You're going to jail
Theres a picture of you hanging up on the wall in mcdonalds, i'm impressed
Yes perhaps we are both wrong. And did you call me bj girl?
It only takes one line of cocaine, and you try to shotput a fucking kitchen table
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
He wouldn't shut up so I started sending him pictures of animal dicks
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
the best part is that i get to keep the pot plants and he still has my name tattooed on his ass
I'm hiding in my office refusing to turn the light on holding puke down stealing and shoveling down the meeting snacks and regretting my poor life choices. goldfish crackers are like crack to me right now. how is your day?
Going to the pool bar doesn’t exactly count as “exploring”
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
