Going to bed naked. Too bad I am all alone. Need to make some changes. Either sleep with clothes or with you
dude i'm inner monologue high
Did you just see the Batmobile???
TRUE LIFE: my roommate is growing a bush.
better yet, TRUE LIFE: my roommates boyfriend begged her to grow a bush.
For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
We found you in the middle of the road chucking gravel because "the house was too far away".
If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
But for real though. That weed tastes like the jolly laughter of Santa Claus.
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
the insurance claim form from last night says foreign object removal from genitourinary tract so as far as the insurance company knows, it could have been a gerbil
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
I hope no one at work can tell or smell that I have tequila in my hair and I haven't showered for days
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