i keep myself tagged when other girls look bad/ugly so i look better
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
I'm calling into work with a wicked case of sledge hammer crotch. She has to understand
Whoever was the last to get in from the chinese firedrill had to pay the dealer.
I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
It wasn't a basement apartment, it's his parents basement. And he wanted to show me his pet tarantula collection. I NOPED THE FUCK OUT!
you got to sleep with him and don't even remember it? that's like sleeping through an entire vacation
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Brought some lesbians back to the light side of the force
I'm sure there are thousands getting dick today in the name of independence
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
In other news, I just sent her a video of me masturbating while driving in the rain, so I guess you could say I've mastered Snapchat
I just feel like if we dated, he'd just be crying the entire relationship
Randomize
