I had a talk with my mom about respecting myself and not acting like a whore so she will rip my nose ring out if she somehow sees that picture
I'm constantly one strobe light away from an E flashback
We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.
You just said the magic words
i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
It was a great idea until we got stuck in a ditch. We had to call redneck cousin 1
I could have been on my second lucrative divorce by now, but nooooo, I had to be a strong independent woman.
I found a hair colour I want in a porn.
I honestly don't understand how your night went from singing a touching rendition of Africa to an angry political rant to low key trying to find a frat boy to bang to doing dishes to yoga
MY HISTORY TEACHER IS FUCKING MY MOTHER. I am downstairs and i can hear the squeak of the bedsprings please I swear to god pick me up THIS INSTANT.
Seriously my new passion in life is the girth of his penis
He literally shoved the EMT, climbed in the back of the ambulance with his vodka and was like, "C'mon, people. Wrap this up. I got shit to do."
Did that sound smart? Cuz beneath the boozy exterior beats the heart of a fucking scientist.
like honestly, the vodka had to go somewhere, and your moms soap dispenser just seemed right at the time..
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