you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
Homecoming wouldn't be the same without all the drunk old people puking on the street.
I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
We established that I was in 5th grade when she was in her final year of grad school. Her daughter is also in 5th grade.
they need to invent a card that reads "thanks for all those boners you gave me that you did NOTHING about"
probably one of the worst weekends ever... i got peed on by his sleepwalking roommate.
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
He told me he was gonna go wash a trailer and somehow I ended up eating vodka fruit with children in a green bean field.
No. There is no way we have to stoop so low as to ask your dad for weed. There has to be an alternative.
2016 is coming through for me, I'm renaming it the year of great dick
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