Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too
My gym is having a pizza and beer party. God im starting to love this place.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
I'm semi drunk. I just bought you penis moisturizer. Not kidding. Keep an eye out for the package. Merry Christmas.
Nothing with ever convince me that she wasnt purposely left behind by our mother to ruin my life and fuck our family
I'm done being subtle here. MOVE INTO MY EXTRA BEDROOM SO WE CAN FUCK WHENEVER AND NOT HAVE TO WORRY ABOUT FINDING PEOPLE TO HAVE CASUAL SEX WITH.
you live like 200 miles from me and I have two years of school left
goddamnit stop pointing out all the flaws in my plan
You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe
I'm sorry I've been mean recently but tbh it really turns me on seeing you cry so it might happen a lot..... You're a pretty crier I don't get it
How I know that I'm single: when I get a save the date for a wedding & I read "& guest" my first thought was does my bottle of Jack Daniels count.
Hi, I put a dog in your house, I hope it's yours.
I don't want to just hook up with random dudes. I've had enough bad sex to know that it's not worth hooking up with strangers
It's not?
I wanna print it out and hang it on the fridge like parents do with good report cards.
oh the joys of a picture of a negative pregnancy test
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
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