8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."
Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box
What a dumb baby whore.
Let's not refer to him as Dustin. That makes him seek like a real person, not just a dick I would like to experience.
They switched jackets and you didn't notice. You made out with both of them and had no idea
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
Was having the best sex dream I've had in a while and only woke up when I heard my grandma fall down the stairs.
So my flight takes off at 8am. Does this mean I need to break my airport bar pre-flight ritual?
Aren't you the one who taught me that airports are the judgement-free drinking zone?
Also, full disclose I puked in a fruit barrel box
Text me later if you aren't dead and wanna have a drink later
I think I may be going on too many job interviews. I've started to bring up Shonda Rhimes in my interview answers.
You took his virginity and then he got lost on his way back to his hotel room... We found him at 3am sitting on the sidewalk crying. Kudos.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
Then you guys just all showered together...?
Randomize
