I have a fruit stripe tattoo on my penis. You're the only person I know who chews that gum.
I woke up around 30 bottles of beer, with a piece of aluminum foil in my hand, that had "you Win" Wrote in sharpie..
Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door
Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"
As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.
Shaking her cervix like it's the hottest ticket around
i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount
Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before
You're invited to our X-games themed party. We have an ice luge and every time someone eats shit we drink. It's gonna be great.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
When I finally came to, I was in the DJ booth wearing his headphones while he was spinning. That's all I got.
Girls - I think I have a problem with stealing random shit when I'm drunk.
Randomize
