i finally found my car by the hideout. it was parked in an employee only parking space with a torn up piece of paper in the back window with the word employee scribbled on it.
Just bonged a beer from a vuvuzela...this place is only doing good for me
They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"
Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.
Found her with a stray dog now called champagne, crying about how she feels a mom now. Had to take her home. The dog too.
Woke up to a break up text for a facebook relationship I didn't even know I was in... 2012 is going to be a good year
I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I don't think he cares about your inhospitable uterus.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
I have 2 phone numbers written on my vagina. I told you I shouldnt be left to my own devices after tequila shots.
Auto correct isn't even working for how drunk you are
you're not celebrating your 21st birthday right unless you give a male stripper a hand job, flash the bartender, and win a free vibrator.
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
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