So how was awkward coffee with forgets-your-name?
So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.
It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30
Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.
I think tonight's gonna be the night I wear a go pro while trippin on acid
I will forever remember this as The Great Jalepeno Cock Burn of 2014.
Momentum is force x velocity. So therefore velocity is 0 - hammered, and force is ur legs locked up and ur face hits the ground.
I felt paralized they just wouldnt move. We need segways when were drunk cuz if we start to fall forward they well take off and save the fall.
Judging by his bulge. This guy is going home with me. Who doesn't want a dick that looks like it used to be a pillar in Rome.
My cat is watching me play with my new vibrator
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
fucked one of the teachers, librarian job's going great
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