Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.
Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I had to put my glasses on last night to watch porn. SO getting lasik with my tax returns this year.
my mom used to put diet coke in my bottle. i can pretty much handle anything.
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.
You can't have your penis and eat it, too.
This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
Literally I thought my ears were pouring out blood. That high.
Hey remember that night when you sang Fergie to me? I think that's the exact moment in time when the thought "I could be faithful to this man" came into serious consideration.
The shit I just took was four, very distinct colors. Jager night was a success
he appreciated my fucking vagina for two hours he can appreciate my honesty
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
my nurturing instincts told me to take his clothes off
Randomize
