She knew it was going down when I had her search for "condoms" in my iPhone Maps.
It smells like wine and fried chicken. Im confused and intrigued.
Oh god the guy I took underwear from at the bar is trying to add me as a friend on facebook now.
after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.
Every man needs a table where they can sit and reflect on the successful penile conquests of the day.
Just spent the equivalent of my life savings in the liquor store. This is going to be a good weekend
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?
Me and a 30 year old man are sitting in my bathtub in swimsuits drinking straight rum from the bottle. Don't tell me how fucked up your Christmas is.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
I was dreaming of a parallel reality and in the dream I just looked up at my present self and was like "you're high, man"
he BROKE his KNEE while we were getting it on, called 911 and the ambulance that showed up contained two paramedics, ONE WAS HIS FUCKING SISTER!!! HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?!?!
Poor life choices...?
I don't wanna shit myself again in 2015
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Let me know if you need some dick this weekend.
Between the BF being in town, partying at the Side Dick’s house tonight and two Tinder dates tomorrow I’ve got dick to spare!!
Randomize
