I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.
We did it in the bathroom in Taco Bell. We didn't buy anything before we left, which I thought was rude.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
Whiskey??
It will be at least another 6 weeks before I say yes again. I'm bruised. I stole sex cards and a really nice pocket knife. I acquired a vial of my own blood. Talk about a yard sale...
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
my cat just photo bombed my nudie.. does this qualify me as a cat lady?
So your contact has been changed to "jizz weave" in my phone. Now, as strange and random as that may be, I'm slightly embarrassed to say that I have more than one contact that fits that description so please identify yourself.
As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
Randomize
