I just broke up with Liz. I feel awful so I put two free rentals on her Blockbuster account.
u know ur in oregon when the cop tells u to keep the beer cans he made u pour out so u can recycle them
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds
currently hungover, lying in bed and cutting cheese with my drivers license. ashamed? not even a little bit.
She kept biting his ear when he was talking to people, that was only 3 drinks in...
Okay good. I don't want another mom thinking I got their daughter pregnant.
Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.
Ok. Here's the plan. Take your hand (whichever is closest), summon all your nerve, and just stick it right down his pants.
I love you.
What part of a retired stonemason dealing with your rock hard cock does not sound like you have the wrong number ?
I know I've never told you this before.. but Gyro sauce makes everything okay.
Amnesty Wednesday? I'm free to do dirty things to you and you can't laugh or judge?
I've had to take two showers today and it's not even 1 o'clock. Why won't this weekend wash off?
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
