first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
Um I just overheard that the new guy spent a month in jail. Obvi another great hire.
the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.
hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?
Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?
I just went to pick up my pigeon from your house. You should be getting a picture soon
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I'm more worried that you thought licking a pole on Bourbon street would turn me on
I pretty much just wake up, masturbate at least twice, and go to the beach. #Unemployed. I do look for jobs in between all that tho.
Why can't he just dump me? This is like a baby seal clubbing the hunter
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Randomize
