The bird has been looking kind of ugly lately...gotta look nice to fly with the hawk ya know?
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
That's ok. I found a crab leg in my bed and have no pants on.
I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.
If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."
She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.
there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round
The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.
OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!
So....I just took a paddle fan on high speed to the side of the head while getting head...still finished the job, good thing I'm drunk and couldn't feel it.
You were holding onto her boobs like you were adrift at sea and they were the only flotation devices
I know you're having some issues right now but can we focus on the gangbang?
I gave her a cheerful high five and she turned to me and said, "we should do that with our genitals." I may have to marry this girl.
No I didn't say it was safe, I said it was legal. I didn't say anything about it being safe. It's not my fault if you weren't listening properly.
She made kool-aid with tequila instead of water and rolled a blunt about the size of an Oscar Mayer hot dog. Best blind date I've ever had. I think I will love her tell my dieing day!
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