The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
My mom just told me to drench my entire body in vodka for 20 minutes. I have never been this russian. no one has ever been this russian
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
my dad just walked in on my jacking off and all he had to say was "I thought you were bigger than that".... thanks dad.
So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?
eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.
If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.
I am the sex elephant in the room. Again.
Get the fuck back here. Your brother taped bottle rockets to the front of his scooter and is bombing around screaming, "Rest in peace, Goose!"
It is a fiery spray of napalm-covered beautiful words that leave a flaming "fuck you" on the ground after I destroy him.
I swear, I make more use of my creative writing major with sexting than I do with anything else
i'm pretty sure my brother is still drunk from last night. he's telling my parents that humans are at the top of the food chain for a reason and listing off all the exotic animals he would eat
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
It smells like graded cheese and febreze in the family room what the hell have you been up to???
Randomize
