At a place where you lie naked on a big pile of pillows and they feed you lobster. You eat it with your bare hands.
Dude this girl just said she'd take me to pleasure town while giving me head
Will Ferrell is probably jerking himself off somewhere wishing he was you
i feel like someone uncorked me like a wine bottle and pulled a living animal outta my arse.
I just sneezed and it tasted like taco bell.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
no dont worry i changed into my costume in the hospital bathroom
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
I LIKE NICE BOXERS OKAY!? COMBINED WITH A GLORIOUS DICK JUST MAKES THIS EVEN BETTER. WE MOVE IN TOGETHER AND THAT PIC'S GETTIN FUCKING FRAMED.
Apparently nothing brings out sympathy in a barista like asking if they have a hangover special
You said you liked how I put the cream cheese on.
sexting just seems like too much work right now.
Randomize
