I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now
dude do u know what u did last night?
do i wanna know???
you totally walked in on some couple fuckin in their unlocked dorm room asking for directions to ur room...
Don't feel obligated to get back to me but I think I just fell in love with a middle aged waitress at the Dennys in waco. She's used but in good condition.
We had to use the stains on Phil's shirt to try to piece together what happened last night.
I just convinced a girl to drink my spit cup cuz I said it was dark beer and would get her drunk faster. I dare you to try something better.
From now on, just let me go home. I'm tired of hooking up with your roommates... Including you.
Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.
Bought two parrots for us. I'm keeping them at the Bellagio.
I want to go to a gay rodeo for my cross country road trip. It'll be like my very own homo country boy pilgrimage to the holy land.
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
Doug will be the one to get my vagina. I don't know when or how but I'm now declaring that it is his. And he better not disappoint.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I think the fact that I stole someone's mail and broke my big toe means that I should consider taking some time away from vodka
Carver called his mom a milf again
Was it on purpose this time?
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
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