she has no idea who harrison ford is.
see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s
Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?
we've coined the Sunday morning ritual of taking out our puke-filled trash cans as The Trash Of Shame
We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Don't ever feel guilty about what you put in your mouth best advice my gma ever gave me lmao
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
Told the cab driver to take me to narnia last night. Turns out there's a bar called narnia on the south side of town. We are in business
I told her to not worry about it. Lone Star is an excellent first trimester beer.
I'm not even the least bit surprised that I whored myself out for tiramisu
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
It's a sad night when one of your friend texts you that she's going on a date with someone you know and then invites you to maybe have a drink after
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
Anyone who can sit 4 hours in a doobie circle with their feet in a kiddie pool is ok by me
Happy 20th birthday! I hope you like anxiety and having your debit card declined at McDonald's!
Randomize
