My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
Still bad at ganbling. Still good at dringing.
I only wish the guy being lead around by his cock at the drag show was the weirdest part of my night.
Like lay upon bear skin rugs, drink brandy and reminisce of the yesteryear's before a majestic fire place? Because those are my plans.
She liked to slap me in the face while she was on top. All I can say is that big boobs can excuse a lot.
His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.
The guy behind me is talking about how his life goal is to use his knowledge of mathematics to make the world a better place. My only life goal right now is getting through this lecture without throwing up in my lap.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
i spent 45 minutes yellng Heather I feel so bad i wanna die and then 45 more yelling I DONT WANNT TO DIE. thats how drunk i was
I may have been mad at the Supreme Court/patriarchy and tried to hate fuck myself.
If he comes over I probably get to fuck him and if he doesn't I don't have to pay him the $60 I owe him for weed. It's a win-win situation.
If you fuck up my birthday by dying I will kick your fucking corpse.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
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