break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
was it more than 30 minutes?
ya
then you're in a relationship
you told him you liked to chip your nail polish to look like different countries. im gonna guess that no, you didn't sleep with him.
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...
She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.
It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post
Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain
Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
Never drinking again. Maybe, if our boss gave us more 3-day weekends we would know how to handle ourselves. That was a shit show.
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
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