I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
I climb out of my sunroof. I mean its kind of embarrassing but part of me feels awesome and ninja like.
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I vaguely remember walking down the highstreet with a plate of K offering lines to passers buy. I sold a line to a taxi driver.
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
I just want to hug my vagina but I can't!\nLike, I want to wrap my arms around it and say "I'm sorry"
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I've needed to start drinking protein shakes to keep up with her. It's like my dick just started doing crossfit.
I was so drunk I got stuck in the middle of a revolving door
Getting on a bus with a beer pong table. I am proof we can make this campus fun.
I'm dancing with a sandwich I just made cause I'm so happy how delicious it tastes, that high haha
Just because you haven’t had your UTI yet doesn’t mean you have a right to talk like Yoda
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