why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
Watching the 1st game of the world cup. I'll drunk dial you at 8:30 to wake you up for work.
Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?
You skyped me last night to show me the girl passed out on your bed.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer
I would say I'm the man in the relationship but I'm cuddled on the couch eating cake mix and water.
Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.
I tried to force my roommate into a sink last night. And I almost won.
and then i signed some dudes back with a turkey hand print in honor of thanksgiving
In order to see him, he made me facetime with his penis, which he had drawn a smile face on. Getting laid shouldn't be this difficult.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
He better be a good lay, these underwear cost $50.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
I just want to trace his tattoos with my tongue
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