omg a stripper jus od'd on stage.
Yeah, it was all fun and games until I realized that it wasn't my tent, and I had no idea who those people were
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
Freshman ate returning to campus. Let Operation Slut Storm commence.
I woke up on the toilet with my feet gorilla glued to the floor, cake and makeup on my face and my hand glued to my head.
Welcome to the world of vodka. Rule #1: NEVER PASS OUT. Happy 21st
I couldn't tell you were laughing too hard
Dude I thought I set my hair on fire. I wasn't laughing I was screaming.
remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that
Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?
Don't answer that. It is bad.
Yesterday was just the icing on the rejection cake that was my week
I just can't promise there won't be a reason to hit you in the face with a dildo again in the future.
Why is it that when I sustain a serious injury people are more concerned with my level of inebriation than my personal safety?
I found my grandmother's vibrator, how was your day?
Do I need to call and sing lullabies? Because that's creepy, but I'm a really good friend.
annnnd thats why you don't tip your waiter by flashing them
Can u pick up some lemons on the way? I have Tequila and a sore throat..I need them for both
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