Plan B is the new Plan A
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
My 11 year old cousin is wearing a Jane Austen fan club t shirt. I'm trying not to tear into her, but I'm five coronas deep and losing control.
Sooo sorry about that. And crying. And comparing my life to a duck
i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.
Jesus just hopped over the fence with a rack of coors. How's your Halloween?
Except there is my pee all over the walls now
We got Pizza Hut & Papa Johns, delivered within seconds of each other, and both delivery people did a shot. I was put on Earth for this moment.
It was incredible. For as long as I live, I will gladly drop whatever I'm doing and spend a night with her face between my legs ANY time she asks.
I am decidedly straight, but I'll write it into my wedding vows if I have to.
Definitely just realized I wore a shirt that says "building leaders for Christ" to a hookup. Roll tide.
Would 7 layered rainbow jello shots entice you?
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
So the pizza place just called me after an hour saying they don't have dough
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
Someone signed my nipple.
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