rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.
he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.
Dude I thought this was going to suck, but moving back in with my dad is like being at a frat party every night only everyone is 40 years old.
someday when you wake up in a dumpster we'll have to have this conversation again...
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Got laid in my rudolph onesie for the second year in a row. New tradition? Absolutely.
I just paid for weed by taking him to the store to buy cheese so he could make empanadas. Best. Drug deal. Ever.
We need to make tonight low-budget
Is this your way of suggesting flasks?
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We took a walk on the beach after the bar, he held my hand and kissed me. And then I peed under a lifeguard stand. It was so romantic.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
I don't want to be drunk any more. Can you hit the off switch?
I feel like you're the sexual bearcat I've always wanted to be.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
whered you go
woke up in a ditch, shat infront of a little league game, slept in her stairway...i need to come here more often
Randomize
