My sheets look like a crime scene.
apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.
Just a heads up: The party is Fourth of July themed. Spread the word
dude its may
Work with me here, man.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
I have to be home in time to watch my friend on that Lifetime show about having babies. And by friend, I mean the girl I had a lesbian experience with at a party 3 years ago.
Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.
Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor
A guy is going to be inside me and I'm gunna start singing "I am stuck on your penis, cause your penis is stuck in meeee!"
At least I got to make out with you a little before you proposed.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
If I could go one week without being called a maneater or a spanish trolip that would be great.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
We're in an alley with a psychic wizard, shes reading our palms
I keep worrying she's gonna have a repeat of the time the ceiling fan was talking in Chinese
Randomize
