I just saw a commercial that said "call your doctor if erections last more than 4 hours". I said "disgusting" and my mom said "I know, i hate when that happens." Get me out of here.
She told me a very interesting story, complete with pantomimes, about how she got a habanero seed in her vag
cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i just saw her new tattoo, how much more trashy can you get than having "taste the rainbow" on your body for the rest of your life?
do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.
Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol
could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.
This inappropriate post strip club text brought to you by Cheetah of Palm Beach and vodka. Blowjob in the champagne room and the clap for the low low price of your paycheck.
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
So, my ex just showed me the drunk voicemail we left him last night. Started out with me saying "I think it's Shane." Then you took my phone and started singing a song about peanut butter, train tracks, and tequila. I joined in. On the upside, he said he's totally fine with being on the drunk dial list from now on. Soooo, another tequila night??
He is a sweet angel sent from dick heaven!
The first thing you did was give us a tour of the house and showed us who was "on-limits" and "off-limits"
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Having Father’s Day on Pride weekend is always so awkward. “Hey dad just calling to say I love you.” While I’m navigating my way through a pop up pool at a bar riding a penis floatie. Happy Father’s Day.
Randomize
