he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.
you for real need to get over him dude
My relationship with VH1 is so bittersweet
a pedometer??? no beatles?Steve jobs just took a dump in CA and it landed on my heart
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
I just got my beard fondled by a drunk chick outside the venue. I feel slightly violated. And I think her boyfriend wanted to fight me.
YOU KNOW BRAZILIAN BOYS ARE MY WEAKNESS
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
there is a guy with a glowstick staff outside my house
But I’m still curious to know... how did the homemade porno go?
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Randomize
