omg i forgot michael madsen was in free willy this is the most epic movement of my stoned life
Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.
Not having phil's child is good enough.
The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'
So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses
That sounds dangerous
Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I'll just tell her I'm here with you picking out a buttplug for her to say "I'm sorry".
Gonna send a picture of my negative pregnancy test with the message "Merry Christmas" to the guys I've been sleeping with. That alone, will put a huge dent in my shopping list of gifts for people.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
All I want is a guy who will love me and occasionally shave my balls.
Is it weird that I Facebook creep hot people from their credit card receipts?
Being single for so long makes me fucking creepy.
lesson learned. Never drop acid before a trip to the aquarium. Sounds awesome, is actually terrifying.
Maybe he injected his testicle?
What could go wrong? i could have a mental breakdown with a bottle of champagne hand cuffed to a frat bro
I'm sorry, but if I hear stories of you getting fingered in the ass, and selling weed, you are not coming to my party.
I just hit 3 trees and a golf cart.. all on the same hole
Put me down for a bogey
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