If your still trying to figure out the moment I stopped caring; it was the point in which you said "I really wasn't sure whose baby it was"
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter
You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?
I will now refer to my life as before and after I used Astroglide for the first time
turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy
I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.
I need a new best friend. Someone who drinks like a fish, hooks up enough to raise eyebrows, and isn't afraid to admit that masturbation is the second best way to spend time. Someone like me! Help me put up posters.
But I got head on a boat yesterday which was sweet until a bald eagle flew over. Then it became life affirming.
I know how vodka works Grace. I'm drunk, not stupid.
Def don't remember taking those pics I sent you...but it looks like I was in a car? Shit. Looks like my Uber passenger rating just went up exponentially.
In other news, I tore a tendon in my hand from giving my boyfriend handjobs so that's how my day is going
maybe you met your husband and you just don't know it yet
and other hilarious jokes you can tell yourself
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