I'm pretty sure "Like A Prayer" will forever remind me of drunk nights & pants down around the ankles
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.
3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.
I don't care if there's a party or not. I just want to be half naked in a cape with a never-ending supply of alcohol within arm's length at all times. Make it happen.
Woke up with your brother in my bed...where do you want me to return him?
I've found a new low. I was climb-on-the-bar-piano drunk.
Today is National Blunt Day in the Great State of Me. Come ovah
I gave him morning sex, a bag of cookies, and dropped him off at work. I believe I deserve the "best hookup award."
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
Stealing, and booze. If only you added meaningless sex with random people you would have wrapped all your life passions together
Her son walked in on us and asked if he could "wrestle too."
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
Dude just walked up to me, gave me his number and said, if this number ever calls its my penis,better keep that one handy. I cant lie its the best pick up line ever, im calling his penis.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
