It was all fun and games until Tim shit on the end table
In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.
gave myself the "you're a really good girlfriend" talk on the way to where i intentionally cheated on him. i am my own drunken therapist.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
It's now 3:30 and the guy I went home with is showering me with shredded cheese. Nbd.
We bought home drug tests to see which of us could make it look more like a kaleidoscope. What happened to the days of innocent fun trying to best everyone with a breathalyzer?
The nurse who handed me my discharge papers underlined and highlighted do not consume alcohol while on my painkiller its like she knows me.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I remeber being on the roof last night and we put our heads togeather and we touched each others face and said "Hennessyyyy"
So you told me to remind you that you vomited 3 times in the street because you would forget so here is your reminder
I mean, except for the part where I was vomiting up pineapple and hot sauce, it was a really fun time.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
Randomize
