dude i woke up laying next to some guy. i dont have my bra or his name. he has a nice tv though.
Wtf am i supposed to tell my kids when they ask about my first time? "Mommy got drunk off her ass and fucked a total stranger in another stranger's bedroom, then got abandoned by the selfish prick and walk of shamed to the nearest gas station to call a cab, but ended up passed out in a park in a pool of her own puke."
At least mommy was smart enough to use protection and hack into the asshole's facebook account.
Well of course. Mommy may be a slutty drunk but she ain't no idiot.
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.
That's why we don't trade sex for Taco Bell. It's called the dollar menu.
They should incorporate dolphins into professional surfing
It's getting harder and harder to fake orgasms as I get older.
Yeah, he hid all the toilet paper and took a video of me looking for it before I shit my pants. Definitely playing that clip at our wedding.
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Had the weirdest dream last night. If you're ever in Texas, do not come over with a 12 pack as a bribe and ask for a threeway between you, me, and my TA. I will take the beer though.
All I remember is an overwhelming desire for chicken nuggets...
Yes, you pinned my brother to the floor by the throat and threatened to slaughter his family if he didn't drive to mcdonalds and get you some.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Randomize
