I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
mom just texted me "hawaii ambien". those are like the two things she talks about to keep me interested in spending time with her.
I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.
there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?
I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Oh yeah and one of the strippers brought you chips and water when you were passes out next to the toilet. So that was nice
We walked in and someone handed her an unopened bottle of jack with her name on it. She's like a drunken celebrity.
how is it that I keep meeting up with you when Im drunk?
you stand on my porch screaming my name until I come out with you...
The moment buddy the elf found out he was human is exactly like the moment I realized I was gay
Fuck these bullshit days. My underwear are still inside out.
I am texting my fuck buddy about fucking tonight, while facebook chatting with his wife about food.
the twins are trying to figure out which one is the one doing body shots off a janitor in this picture
I peed in my closet, which at the time looked like a sparkly bathroom...
Randomize
