You don't have to be emotionally available for a blow job.
I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him
Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.
it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet
I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.
Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs
I'm surprised, it's been so long you must be starving
At a certain point, the zombie-like hunger goes away. Then the sadness sets in. Then you start lying to yourself that you're taking some "me time." Then you remember you dodged chlamydia and Buddha knows what else. Then you're at peace with it.
He asked me if I remembered touching his police badge. awk.
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
WHY HAVE SO MANY THING GONE IN MY BUTT ON THIS TRIP
Is there an "I fucked your brother" emoji?
dude, i told you to rally, so you sprinted upstairs, knocked some girl down, and without missing a beat said, "not now bitch, im in the fucking zone" and took off
NOT PREGNANT HIGH FIVE!
There's a lady rapping at me about making healthy food choices. She lives in a refrigerator. This is not okay with me
Remember that gum I swallowed 3 days ago? I just threw it up.... whole.
Randomize
