singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful
I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?
one can only hope.
living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.
How am I a tease?
Dude you flashed me ur vagina and walked away.
ONLY PART OF IT.
I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink
I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city
He told everyone he was going inside...an hour later we get a knock on the garage door from some dude telling us a guy is passed out on the lawn and we should get him inside because it's about to rain
she brought my homemade cookies with condoms taped to the box... im in love
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie
Yeah well you try taking nice pictures while you have pizza crust lodged in your throat
No it was fine, I've just never seen that many people eat dog food
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
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